Stuff gets stolen from mailboxes sometimes. I’ve had quite a number of things stolen or damaged during deliveries. Unfortunately for me, two things that were stolen from me happened in just the past few months. The first thing stolen wasn’t a sex toy… it was actually a far more annoying problem that costed me more than the typical sex toy costs. This week however, it was a sex toy stolen from me. I won’t lie… I want this thief’s blood. I feel like waiting outside my building with a metal bat but of course, I’m far too reasonable a person to behave in that way – so instead I’m pouring just a teeny-weeny portion of my anger into this post.
I’ve already written an article on discrete delivery and how that helps people who need discretion. I wrote that last post for other people, because I don’t particularly care if people or delivery companies discover my sex toys. What I don’t want is thieves taking my stuff. When thieves take my stuff, I get very angry.
Sex toy companies need to give proper tracking information and expedition notifications
So let’s explore this latest burglary problem a little bit more in detail. First of all, the company who sent me this sex toy didn’t give me a tracking code and didn’t actually tell me this was on its way. The sex toy they sent had been sitting in my mailbox for a few days because to be honest, I don’t check it every day unless I’m expecting something. That’s just one reason why it’s SO important for companies to tell me when they’re sending something and give me a tracking code.
I won’t complain about this too much, because I understand that the amount of work these sex toy companies have to do is huge without worrying about every single point in my review terms and conditions. Let’s just say though… I’ve received quite a lot of sex toys in the past few months from companies and there have been several occasions where I wasn’t told to expect deliveries. Tracking codes folks… I need the damn tracking codes. There are some slip ups I can understand but PLEASE tell me before you send me anything.
Anyway, you see the image above this article? That’s the box I found in my mailbox. Delivery drivers and post people with master keys that open all the mailboxes are the only people who could have opened the box like that and stolen what was inside. Like I mentioned… it’s happened to me before and unless my building’s resident council installs better security, it’ll probably happen to me again.
It’s likely that I’m not an isolated case either… this can happen everywhere.
My sex toy thief
Anyway now back to this thief. What are they going to do with that sex toy I wonder? The last thing they stole was actually useless to them because they wouldn’t have been able to sell it. Shame it cost me so much to replace. But they’ll be able to sell the sex toy they stole.
I won’t lie, I tried to search a few websites to see if I could find any of that kind of sex toy being sold. My imaginary, idealistic plan was to bid, buy or get in touch with the seller of such a product, somehow miraculously prove that it was them who stole it and then beat the living shit out of them with my Njoy Pure Wand. What a wonderful revenge that would be. Alas, it’s not to be.
The fact is, I’m never going to find out who stole any of the stuff that’s gone missing from my mailbox, let alone this sex toy that has recently gone missing. Police don’t do anything about this kind of thing because they’ve got more important shit to attend to. How can I reasonably ask a police officer to go searching for my stolen sex toy when they have actual tragedies to deal with every day? How can I even have the nerve to sit inside a police station giving a statement about my stolen sex toy? Let’s face it… it’s not gonna happen. I’m never putting myself or those police through that (even if it would give them a good laugh).
Are stolen sex toys being sold online?!
One of the reasons that I rarely buy anything second-hand online is because I’m all too aware that thieves sell their stolen wares there. It’s another reason for me why buying sex toys from Amazon is a bad idea too, because in some countries normal people can sell their “unwanted goods” on the Amazon marketplace.
So my guess is… if my thief isn’t giving this sex toy to their partner or keeping it themselves, they’re going to be selling it online. Moral of this short segment – don’t buy sex toys from untrusted sources.
What can sex toy companies and consumers do about this?
The problem for sex toy companies is that there is (justifiably) a big focus on privacy when it comes to sex toys and any product like that. Sometimes consumers don’t want to give their phone numbers for the deliveries and choose not to have the products delivered to a relay point because that means they’ll have to go into a shop or whatever to pick up the parcel.
Personally, I always want my phone number to be written on the delivery boxes being sent to me – or at least in the delivery company’s system. If they don’t have my phone number, they leave parcels in my mailbox and I often don’t find out for a good few days.
Many sex toy parcels I receive have no revealing information on them. They usually have obscured company names and inoffensive details written on plain brown boxes. Many sex toy parcels also have little security options added. To “require a signature” means that a parcel could potentially be left with a neighbour or left at a relay point.
Now of course… none of us want our neighbours receiving our boxes of vibrators. What I think we should let go of though is the avoidance of these boxes being left at relay points. If I walk into a shop or supermarket and that’s the relay point, I don’t particularly care if the people at those places realise that I’ve ordered sex toys. Usually, the only reason they’d know that the boxes contain sex toys is because they themselves have ordered sex toys from the same place before. I don’t care if they realise – all I know is that it’s better than some unknown thief taking a vibrator from my mailbox.
Sex toy companies face a challenge in respect to deliveries because they deliver to so many different places. Some companies deliver Worldwide and even if they use a global company like UPS or FedEx, each of those countries operate in a slightly different way.
What I’d love to see sex toy companies do at their online checkouts
What I personally believe sex toy companies need to do is ensure that there are multiple delivery options at their checkout, with detailed explications on how each delivery option caters to different needs. Some delivery options are better for privacy and some are better for security. I need higher security when it comes to deliveries, so I’d welcome the introduction of these explanations at the checkout.
The best security in my opinion is with companies who send me a code that the delivery drivers have to scan when they’re giving me the parcel. And if I’m not there for them to scan my code and give it to me, they take it to a relay point where I can pick it up later. That’s the best way to avoid thievery in my opinion and that’s the option I would take every time if I could when I order anything worth more than €60.
An alternative solution – self destructing sex toys
If my idea about online checkouts etc is too complicated – only sensible alternative solution is of course to give me some kind of self destruct mode for any sex toys I order.
I would say that they should include GPS in my vibrators too but you know – privacy concerns and all that. What I really need is a self destruct button. Something that makes my sex toy explode in the hands of whoever stole it. That would be just perfect. So if you sex toy companies could get working on that now… that’d be grand. I’ll even review the toy for free if you include a self destruct function. Please make sure the toy is still waterproof after that simple change though…
A personal message to my sex toy thief
Thief, it is unlikely that you’ll ever read this message because the likelihood of you stumbling on the words of someone as marvellous as me is, let’s face it… pretty low.
I understand your need to “correct” what you perceive to be an unfair standing in life. I even understand that you’re so dissatisfied with your job that you’ve taken to stealing from the people you deliver to. I understand how someone could come to despise the people who they deliver to.
… but you stole from me twice.
So fuck you. If I find out who you are, I want to smash you to the ground, call the police and laugh heartedly, dancing on my doorstep as they drive you off. You see in my fantasies, I don’t get punished for attacking people who steal from me. In my fantasy world, I would do even worse to you.
If the sex toy you stole is for your anatomy, I hope the battery inside it explodes while you’re using it and gives you terrible chemical burns. Burns and regrets that you’ll later explain to me online when I inevitably discover you whimpering on a subreddit, asking the World for forgiveness and promising you’ll never again steal a sex toy from someone. I will forgive you of course, but only if you write me a poem about how brilliant you think I am first.
Don’t worry though thief, I’ll probably calm down because I’m a reasonably sane person. I’m not prone to fits of anger. Right now though… I want to wring your neck.
That’ll be all thief – now fuck off.
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