British hedonist and sex blogger Girl On The Net joins me in this interview to talk about sex in Britain, her own love life and her journey as a sex blogger. As well as blogging and producing audio porn, Girl On The Net has published several books on her dirty deeds. ‘My Not-So-Shameful Sex Secrets’ released in 2013 and ‘How A Bad Girl Fell In Love’ in 2016.
The way that Girl On The Net writes might surprise some of our French readers. What is quite unique about her work is that while she is a sex blogger, there’s so much humour and filth in her writing. Sex and humour, I love that! For me, Girl On The Net’s writing really brings the British sense of humour to the forefront of sex. Yet saying that, even my girlfriend (the French writer of this blog) finds the humour in Girl On The Net’s writing. For my British readers to understand, in the French language words like ‘slut, cunt’ etc don’t sound right to the majority of people (even to young people). In English, the same words don’t sound as bad to French people.
What’s great about this interview is that Girl On The Net is also speaking from the point of view of someone living in London, a place where a lot of French people like to go. So I’m absolutely delighted to have done this interview with her and to share her thoughts in my continuing series of the French Connection!
Like always, these comments and views are of one individual. This isn’t a sociological study. Please don’t jump to conclusions or think that Girl On The Net is speaking for everybody in London. This is her own perception of the World around her. We all know if I ask someone else, I may get different answers. This is for fun, so enjoy it!
1. Could you describe yourself and what you blog about?
I’m a 37 year old woman – mostly straight, mostly subby, though I flex on both of these things if I’m feeling horny – who lives in London and is pretty obsessed with sex and wanking. I blog about sex, mostly, with a leaning towards true filthy stories and occasional feminist rants about the misconceptions we hold around sex. If I’m honest, these days I lean more towards the filth because as Covid has hit porn as escapism has felt much easier to me than social commentary. I also make audio porn, which began as a way to make my erotica more accessible to people using screenreaders, but has now just become something that’s popular with a tonne of people on the site – I commission guest writers to record/license their work for audio too, so there’s a huge variety on the site now. It’s one of the things I’m proudest of, because it means I get to bring other people’s brilliant work to a wider audience.
2. What kind of person were you growing up? Was there ever a hint that you’d end up writing about sex?
I always wanted to be a writer, and I have been obsessed by sex ever since I started having it. Even before, to be honest – I was always the one at school desperate to get a boyfriend (ANY boyfriend), and hoping I’d be able to tempt boys into fingering me behind bushes etc. I wasn’t massively popular at school though, so my sexual thirst had to wait till a little later for me to fully realise it. At Uni I met a guy who was as pervy as me (and perhaps more so), and when we got together we tried a whole bunch of different things – it was just as the internet was becoming ubiquitous as well, so we used to read forums and blogs and get ideas we wanted to try, as well as getting the comfort of knowing that we weren’t alone in our deviance!
3. How does being a sex blogger affect your personal life? Do your friends or family know?
Yes, my friends and family know, although some members of my family only know vaguely – to my grandparents I’m a copywriter, to my Dad I’m a sex blogger but he doesn’t know the blog name, to my close family (i.e. siblings, mum, stepdad) they know my blog name and that they shouldn’t ever look at it, but they like to see my name pop up in newspapers sometimes, and generally cheer me on. My Mum and sister are especially supportive – when I published each of my books, I did a ‘safe’ cut for each of them and printed out a few chapters/extracts that didn’t involve the dirty fucking so I could show them a bit of what I did.
In terms of blogging affecting my personal life, for a long time it didn’t really – I had a boyfriend who was incredibly supportive (and also incredibly free with his dick, and up for me writing about the hot things we did) and he even helped work on building my website. So we were kind of a team, and the blog was just part and parcel of who I was. However, now that we’ve broken up I’m finding it tricky to navigate the world outside that relationship – how soon is too soon to tell a new potential lover about the blog? How will they feel, seeing all that detail of my inner mind exposed to the world? Can I date people who already read the blog, or will that mean they have too much expectation/anticipation of who I might be, based on the skewed world of GOTN? It’s tricky. Working on it =)
Alright, I’m going to interrupt this here to talk about your filthy language! Differences between languages is a subject I love considering and the way you write is very different to the way French sex bloggers do. Your style is more in contrast with theirs than even other English writers are.
I showed one of your blog posts to my French partner Eve. It was one of your older ones ‘On tits’ and starts with “The problem with people is that they don’t touch my tits enough. There is a serious lack of tit-grabbing in my life”. It goes on “If you touch them I will whimper like a slut in handcuffs.”
Eve read through it and started smiling. Like me, she reads this kind of thing as sexy but also full of humour. She appreciates the humour in being this direct despite English not being her native language. When I asked her “Can French people achieve this kind of humour while writing about sex?”, she said no. We’ve had similar conversations before, because in real life I too have a bit of a potty mouth. When translated directly to French, this kind of language sounds too vulgar to be funny (particularly when we translate things like ‘slut in handcuffs’).
4. So now for my very loaded question. Are you aware of the humour/wit in your writing and why do you use it when writing about sex?
That’s really interesting to hear! I am also fascinated by differences in language – I think language is extremely powerful to shape our world, as well as reflect it. Like, when you don’t have a word to be able to describe something, that thing can often be minimised or ignored or not noticed. Conversely when you have the right words to put to something, you can spark off new ideas and open up new concepts. I have a feeling that many people would see the direct way I write as a negative – I’ve had emails from people before asking me if I have blog posts that don’t use the word ‘cunt’ because for some it’s a powerful turn-off, but I struggle to use other words for my cunt because that’s what it is to me, and I find that word way hotter than the alternatives (pussy, hole, vagina – meh).
Soooo. Am I aware of the humour? Oh God I am way too aware. While I desperately want to turn people on with my work, possibly even more powerful is the deep desire to make people laugh. I don’t know why. I really want to be able to make people laugh. Some of my favourite blog posts are ones where I’ve done something silly or had something bad happen to me during sex and I can really lean in to writing them in a funny way (like this one, for instance – https://www.girlonthenet.com/blog/love-eggs-sex-toy-nemesis/ or this one which is more recent – https://www.girlonthenet.com/blog/chewing-gum-be-a-fuckup/). I don’t think I’m funny enough to be a comedian, but I desperately wish I could be. There’s a pure joy in making people laugh, and in the context of sex I think it’s important to be able to laugh at ourselves – I don’t want to portray myself as this impossibly poised sex goddess, because I’m not. I’m just a human stumbling through the world fucking things up, and I want to show other people that it’s OK to fuck things up too.
5. Do you prefer monogamous or open relationships? What do you value most about the one you chose?
I have only really been in monogamous relationships (or monogamish). I was dating someone recently who was poly, and that was a fun exploration – I enjoyed hearing about his experiences with poly, and I found myself not struggling with jealousy in the way I have done in the past. I don’t think I’d say ‘no’ to a poly guy if he showed up, but I do sometimes suspect that I’m more naturally inclined towards monogamy – I have a tendency to want to find one person who I can be completely wrapped up in, I enjoy the teamwork of monogamy, and I also find that sex adventures are more fun if had with someone else. So for instance, with an ex when we opened up our relationship a little, I wasn’t interested in solo dating anyone else, but I did enjoy giving head to a dude I knew and then my partner came to pick me up in the car afterwards, and it was a hot pair-play thing.
As I say though, never say never. I can see a lot of benefits to being poly, not least the fact that you avoid falling into the trap of making one person too important in your life. I know people who are blissfully happy in all different kinds of relationships – and we should include ‘single’ here as a category too. It might be that I decide I want to live the rest of my life in a single/dating state and never get into a serious relationship – I could see myself being pretty happy like that too.
6. What age were you when you first had sex? Is that sort of age typical?
It was the night before my 16th birthday, which I remember vividly because my best friend and I at the time had a little game going to see which of us could lose our virginity first, and there were bonus points if you could do it before 16 (the age of consent). Honestly, I was very childish, but you know – I was still basically a kid. I think where I come from that was fairly typical, but I don’t know really – I’d guess most people who wanted sex would have it some time between 15-18, and in my group of friends we were quite slutty/incestuous, so lots of people shagged/fingered/gave head to others, and it was fairly standard to have ‘done’ a few people in the group.
7. What is your favourite sexual act?
Pure, brutal fucking. Like: deep penetration, being held down (maybe struggling a bit), treated like a fucktoy, generally used and abused. However, I’m not sure ‘pure brutal fucking’ counts as an answer here, so I’m also going to say ‘giving head.’ I fucking LOVE giving head – especially when you know someone quite well and have had time to experiment with all the different things they like. A good blow job is like a concerto – you start gently and then build and layer all the different things in, ramping things up and down in response to their twitches and noises, until eventually building to a crescendo.
8. I realise from all of the audio porn on your website that you have several kinks. But do you have one kink in particular that is a long time favourite?
I tend to go more in phases, like right now I am in a phase of being obsessed with the head of someone’s dick: pulling the foreskin back while it’s hard so the taut, shiny head is exposed, then wrapping really wet lips around it, or slowly lowering my cunt onto it. Other times I’ll have kinks for spunk, or spanking, or anal: it just kind of depends on what I’ve been pondering lately.
9. Can you tell us 3 – 5 of your favourite British brands or products?
DOXY! The greatest British brand, and product, ever to exist =)
Godemiche – they make beautiful colourful silicone toys and I defy anyone to go to their website and not feel like a kid in a sweet shop.
Dr Martens – They’re just really fucking sexy boots.
10. What kind of region or community do you live in?
London. I’m not from here originally but my soul lives here permanently now!
11. How open is the average person in your region to talking about sex?
Honestly, I have no idea – I gravitate towards people who do like talking about sex, so in my circle people are usually super up for it. And even if they’re shy to start with, often they’ll come to me privately with sex stories because I’m such a loudmouth about it.
12. I quoted a few parts of your post ‘On tits’ above. If you were overheard saying these same things in a bar with close friends, what reactions would you normally expect?
I’d hope they would do the polite British thing and ignore it!
13. What level of tolerance is there for different sexual orientations?
I am definitely not qualified to answer this question, I’m afraid! I’d hope there is lots, and suspect there is far more than in other parts of the country, but I don’t think as a straight person I can comment with any kind of useful experience.
14. Is sexual harassment at all common in your community?
Sexual harassment has happened in every community I’ve ever been in, although I think it’s less common now than it was when I was younger. Whether this is due to changing attitudes or just the fact that I’m older and people are less likely to fuck with me (or fuck with my friends, if I’m around) I don’t know. I do know that there are misogynists everywhere, and each year that goes by I become more depressed and disillusioned with the men around me – many good men, who I love deeply, are surprisingly bad at calling out this behaviour, and surprisingly good at excusing it.
15. In the UK, do you think there is a difference in sexual attitude between the genders?
Yes and no. I think we have this idea that somehow your sexual attitude is innate, defined by your gender. That men will be keen on sex and women will avoid it, preferring instead to seek love or companionship. This is absolutely not true, but I think there are complex societal pressures at play, and we are often encouraged to play into these stereotypes. Then you get people who live up to those stereotypes, and people who deliberately do the opposite because they want to kick back against them, and within this context it can be extremely difficult to determine what we actually want, as opposed to what we think we should want. Sexual stigma affects different genders differently – for example masturbation stigma (and the stigma surrounding use of sex toys) tends to target men more than women, whereas promiscuity stigma is way stronger for women (we’re ‘sluts’ if we sleep with too many people, for instance). It’s an extremely tangled mess, so I think I want to say that while sexual attitudes do differ between genders, whether that is something to do with gender innately or societal conditioning is a whole different question.
16. What (if anything) should change about sexual attitudes in Britain?
We’ve made really good progress on tackling masturbation stigma, STI stigma, and many other topics which relate to people’s personal sexual lives. We have a long way to come in terms of human rights, I think. I’d like to see a hell of a lot more public condemnation of the UK’s transphobia – it’s virulent over here, and it’s fanned on a weekly basis by the British press. I think we could also do with getting a grip on our obsession with porn. Here in the UK, porn is something that’s simultaneously tittilating and worthy of condemnation. We’re prudish yet prurient. Angry about porn yet still desperate to see it. It is a national cognitive dissonance that baffles and infuriates me, and I would like to see us having a more adult conversation around porn – the ways in which it can benefit people, as well as the ways in which the industry needs to change to become more ethical. We only ever get stuck talking about whether porn is ‘good or bad’ or whether porn ‘harms or empowers women’ though, which is such a shallow, ridiculous question (all porn is different! Some can be good, some bad! Some can be harmful and some can be empowering!) that it can’t even be answered without descending into nonsense.
17. Do you see more sex bloggers of one gender than another in Britain? Have you got any theories as to why?
I think there are far more women sex bloggers in the UK. I suspect this is partly because it’s easier (and more expected) for women to be sexually performative (by which I mean: view themselves as objects of desire and be willing to play up to that). Our societal norms about what counts as erotic tend to be quite male gaze, so a woman talking openly about her sexuality fits the script we’re used to, whereas a man doing the same does not. It’s a shame.
There are some incredible guy sex bloggers too though – most notably in the sex toy review space. I love the work that people like The Big Gay Review are doing to bring sex toys to an audience of men who may previously have believed toys aren’t ‘for’ them.
18. Do all places in the UK share the same kind of sexual liberation?
Definitely not, but I am not qualified to say which areas would be more or less liberated!
19. In your opinion, where are the most romantic places in Britain for foreigners to visit?
I’m a big fan of the Norfolk broads – go hire a boat for a week and cruise around the beautiful countryside, stopping off at pubs on the way and fields you can shag in. I think London is extremely romantic as well – go hire the Lucy Suite on top of the Bermondsey Spa hotel and fuck in a hot tub that overlooks the Thames at night.
20. Where would you want to live if you weren’t in the UK?
New Zealand. I travelled there when I was younger, and I absolutely adored it. It’s a beautiful country, with incredible scenery and fun not-too-massive cities, the people were mostly extremely friendly and funny, and they do wicked mince and cheese pies.
21. Did you ever date a French person or other foreigner? Was there much different about it?
Haha ‘or other foreigner’ =) I have dated an American, and shagged a few people who weren’t from the UK, but broadly my experience is very UK-centric. The American was utterly lovely and extremely kind to me, though I don’t know if this is an American thing or just that he was cool. The trickiest thing for me was the sense of humour thing – Americans are far more earnest than Brits, and it was weird dating someone who didn’t really take the piss out of me.
22. Are there any misconceptions you think foreigners might have about British people with regards to sex and romance?
Haha I don’t know what people think of us sexually so I’m not sure. Is our reputation good or bad? I think it depends so much on the person – I bet there are some people out there who shag really Britishly (stiff upper lip, no noise, ‘thank you would you like a cup of tea?’ afterwards) but then others who are totally different.
23. What do you think French people should know about dating the British?
We spend far too much time in the pub. Also, many of our mating strategies revolve around alcohol. This is not good and most of us know it, but we don’t know how to stop.
24. What do you think of the French accent? And what do you suppose they think of yours?
It’s such a gorgeous accent, isn’t it? I think it’s famously one of the sexiest in the world. To be honest, I find most foreign-language accents pretty hot because the very fact of having one means you’re speaking a second language which is INCREDIBLY sexy. I suspect the British accent sounds a bit dull by comparison, but plenty of Americans have told me it’s cute! My accent swings wildly between posh English (when I’m trying to impress someone) and lazy Pompey (Portsmouth – my hometown, where we drop a lot of consonants and say ‘innit’ at the end of sentences) so I think it can be sexy or horrible depending on which one I have today.
25. Can you give our French readers an English expression to learn? Fun, rude, sexy, profound… whatever you want!
“I wouldn’t kick him out of bed.”
Meaning: I would definitely enjoy having sex with this person. Example: “I know Greg Davies seems scary on Taskmaster, but I definitely wouldn’t kick him out of bed.”
Again, huge thanks to Girl On The Net for this interview! You can find her here:
Follow Adam Rouge: