That time I fell out of a shower while having sex


CRASH. I’d fallen on the small cupboard in her bathroom and flattened it. I don’t blame cake, I blame IKEA. More specifically, I guess I should also blame myself for having sex while standing without support in a slippery shower. Thank god we’d left the glass door open.

Thank you to Spices of Lust for bringing this embarrassingly wonderful memory back into my mind. They asked on Twitter if anyone could think of a dangerous sex position. While I couldn’t think of a dangerous position that I’ve tried per se… I did remember that time I fell out of the damn shower.

I won’t lie, I have a certain amount of pride in the fact that my sexual history includes broken furniture. At the time however, it wasn’t what I’d call an ideal conclusion to my first time having sex in a shower.

I thought I was being so smooth. My ex had told me that shower sex was on her personal “to do” list of sexual activities. So one day I went into the bathroom to surprise her.

At first I greeted her with a kiss, after all, I knew it was a dream but wasn’t sure if today was the day. Needless to say, it was the day. And what a day it’d turn out to be.

We kept the shower running and continued to give each other a sensual wash with soap and bubbles, rubbing it into each other’s bodies. Following that came oral. She went first, I went second. So amazing to have a blowjob while water is running down my body. The shower is honesty one of my favourite locations for blowjobs… right beside blowjobs on balconies.

The shower is not however, my favourite place to have sex while standing up. You see, the shower floor… it’s slippery… and while I’m nimble, I’m no gymnast. So when my feet slip suddenly, nine times out of ten, I will fall over.

In this case, I’d been happily humping in the shower for some time, was actually really enjoying it. Then I sort of just… fell out. I don’t remember my feet slipping, I don’t remember yelling or attempting to reach out to grab something. All I remember was hitting that little bathroom cupboard. Smash!

So I lay there on top of this broken cupboard, a little confused, surprised and in pain, while my ex girlfriend was looking down at me in horror. As I’m very British, my first reaction was of course to say sorry for breaking her bathroom. By that time, I had realised that the side of my torso was bleeding a little bit and that it hurt more than I’d like.

My ex girlfriend’s reaction, which is one of the reasons (but not all of the reasons) why she’s now my ex girlfriend, was to get a bit grumpy with me. Not full on angry but you know… she looked quite upset about her little bathroom cupboard. Her exact words stayed with me – “did you have to land there?”. As a joke, that may have been funny but alas, it wasn’t a joke. I indeed hadn’t been able to think and react to the situation as quickly as she might have hoped. My answer was that I was ok “by the way”.

To be fair to her, she did apologise for not asking if I was ok first. Apparently she panicked and that was the first thing she could think of saying. She told me if she had thought more clearly, she would have ensured my well-being first. Now I realise that this was somewhat of a red flag… but dear readers, this happened almost 15 years ago. I was very naive.

Back to that bleeding I was talking about… it hurt like hell. To my luck however, I hadn’t broken anything and didn’t need to visit the emergency room. I put a plaster on it and later on that evening, after I had returned home, I concluded my climax. To be honest, it was a disappointing orgasm, principally because immediately afterwards, the pain from my side immediately reminded me of my shit attempt at shower sex. At least it ended in orgasm rather than broken bone, I suppose.

My current girlfriend’s furniture breaking story is a far better badge of honour than mine. She and her ex had sex so hard that they broke a bed at a hotel and had to pay to replace it. Needless to say, Eve wins when it comes to breaking furniture while having sex.

I have broken two beds before however, neither of those times was for sex. I broke the first bed because I decided that it would be fun to jump on it and the second time I was feeling low and let my body collapse on my bed. Fear not though, hearing the wooden base of my bed split amused me so much that I spent the remainder of the time before sleeping chuckling to myself.

In the future, I hope to break more IKEA furniture while having sex. It’s a worthy end to unworthy furniture.

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