Porn Addiction

Dangers of Porn Addiction And What To Do If You Suffer With It

hiding porn addiction
By

No matter your gender, race, religion or creed you can become addicted to porn. This article explores the dangers of porn, my own personal journey through porn addiction and what you can do if you suffer from it. This is not an abolitionist article and I’m not myself against the existence of pornography. I’m not religious at all and as you’ll see from the website around you, I write about filthy hot sex a lot. All that to say, I don’t want to ban porn and I disagree with those that do. My goal here is to help people who like me, became addicted to porn and to present a non-religious argument for the existence of porn addiction. It’s time we started validated those who are suffering instead of telling them that what they are feeling inside ‘doesn’t exist’.

Nowadays I’m a happy, sexual deviant but it wasn’t always this way for me. For most of my teenage years and twenties, I was addicted to porn and suffered debilitating problems that ruined my sex life. It wasn’t until I was almost 30 that I began recovery. Throughout this article I will pull out tips, things to think about and things to try. This is also my personal journey through porn addiction and what helped me may help you.

At the outset you might wonder if I watch porn any more, now that I say I’m recovered. Yeah I do. Not very much, though I do still watch it from time to time. Like I said… not 100% against it. I’m more into sexual fantasies and using my imagination while relaxing in bed. More on that later.

Table of contents

  1. The definition and red flags of porn addiction
  2. Does porn addiction really exist?
    1. Controlled studies have found porn to harmful
  3. People of all genders can become addicted to porn
  4. Secrecy of porn use is a first step towards addiction
  5. Why collecting porn is dangerous.
  6. Physical symptoms of porn addiction
  7. Psychological symptoms of porn addiction
    1. Psychological erectile dysfunction
  8. Why porn addicts have several issues with control
  9. How porn can destroy your sex life
  10. What about the NoFap community and quitting masturbation?
  11. Quitting porn may not completely cure your sexual problems
  12. Should porn be banned?
    1. Don’t trust TraffickingHub or Fight the New Drug
    1. Porn should not be free
  13. Alternatives to porn
  14. Summary of things to do if you’re a porn addict
  15. Now it’s over to you!
  16. Sources

The definition and red flags of porn addiction

The definition of porn addiction is a use of porn that continually disrupts normal life. For argument’s sake, I will assume you have a porn addiction if any of the following statements are true:

  • You keep a porn collection.
  • You regularly need to take steps to hide your tracks.
  • You frequently use porn for more than 2 hours per week.
  • You use porn for more than 40 minutes in one sitting.
  • You consider masturbating without porn boring.
  • You have used porn at work, school or in another risky environment.
  • You look forward to being on your own so that you can look at porn.
  • You find sex or intimacy difficult but porn turns you on.
  • You only find specific and extreme fantasies exciting.
  • The size and nature of specific body parts has to match your ideal, else you’re not turned on.
  • You think too frequently about how your body doesn’t match the ideals promoted in the porn you watch.
  • You have physical symptoms of over masturbation such as skin irritation.
  • You have libido problems in real life that aren’t present when you’re on your own with porn.
  • You have attempted to quit porn and failed.

Two easy rules are:

  • If your pleasure is dependent on porn, you are addicted.
  • If your life is continually affected by your use of porn, you are addicted.

Does porn addiction really exist?

The short answer is yes porn addiction exists. The long answer is that not everyone agrees, which is what I will address here.

does porn addiction exist

The fact that certain drugs are chemically addictive is unquestionable. Alcohol addiction and gambling are also generally accepted. Porn addiction doesn’t have this luxury of universal acceptance. Controversy surrounds the idea of porn addiction and some disagree that it exists at all.

At Psychology Today even professional psychologists contradict one another on the topic. Qualified writer and author David J Ley has written several articles denying that porn addiction exists, even openly disagreeing with famed psychologist Dr Zimbardo. Psychologist Grant Hilary Brenner (on the same website) leans towards pornography being potentially addictive.

Experts agree that even if porn use is not a clinical disorder, an individual’s use is a problem if he or she believes it to be one. – Psychology Today

Controlled studies have found porn to be addictive and harmful

On the behavioural level, patients were slowed down by pornographic material depending on their pornography consumption in the last week. – Science Direct

In 2020, a scientific study showed that pornographic pictures negatively affect working memory. Porn consumption also decreased brain performance for up to one week in the same study. Another interesting discovery was that the patient group remembered pornographic images more vividly than non-pornographic images. Healthy test subjects remembered pornographic images no better than non-pornographic images. Meaning that pornography doesn’t attract the attention of healthy people as much as it does addicts.

Compulsive sexual behaviour disorder is characterized by a persistent pattern of failure to control intense, repetitive sexual impulses or urges resulting in repetitive sexual behaviour and psychological strain. – Science Direct

In summary, you will find some who dismiss porn addiction or those who attribute it to other issues. Yet there are mental health professionals and neuroscientists who consider porn addiction to be real.

Addiction occurs when pleasure/reward pathways are hijacked by exogenous drugs such as cocaine or opioids, or by natural processes essential and inherent to survival such as food and sex. – Donald L. Hilton, Jr and Clark Watts

People of all genders can become addicted to porn

I lived with this in secrecy for 16 years before seeking help. – An anonymous woman talking about her porn addiction

Porn addiction is too often reffered to as ‘a guy thing’. Any gender can become addicted to porn. There are unique physical issues related to having a penis or vagina, true. The types of porn each gender consumes can sometimes differ as well. Yet these differences shouldn’t be exaggerated as much as they often are. We’re all in the same boat with this and need to recognise that in order to help one another.

No group has porn addiction better or worse. It sucks for everybody and causes everybody shame. The exact nature of that shame is different from person to person but the damage shame can do is universal.

Porn was interfering with the dreams and plans I had for my life. No matter how hard I tried to break free, I couldn’t. Jessica Harris (Cru.org)

Shame, dependency and dysfunction are things we can all relate to. Let go of the idea that people like you don’t do this or that another group of people won’t understand your pain. I’m a straight, non-religious guy from a Western country, so some of my personal experiences will differ to yours. Yet I believe I can relate to you regardless, so encourage you to keep reading.

Secrecy of porn use is a first step towards addiction

secrecy and porn

“Even those of us fortunate enough to have parents who recognised that sexual play feels good are still likely to remember with a wince the admonishment “keep it private”. It is hard to bring out in the open that which we spent years trying to hide.” – Esther Perel (Mating in Captivity, 2006)

When I was about 11 or 12, my father caught me while I was masturbating and looking at porn. I’ll never forget the embarrassment I felt that day. I wanted the earth to open up and eat me alive!

My father later told me it was ok for me to look at porn and that what I was doing was normal. His only advice was to make sure that I keep it private and don’t do it where people could see me.

“Always keep it hidden, never let anyone see you.” What my father couldn’t have known is that I’d take his advice to extremes. He had a computer-genius friend. A guy who liked to embarrass me by finding porn files on our family computer (files I thought I’d hidden). So through a process of trial and error, I became very good at hiding my computer files. Many of us who became addicted to porn developed secrecy skills for similar reasons.

My dad himself was definitely not against porn, neither was my mother. My father was actually terrible at hiding his own porn. I used to find it and even steal it sometimes. So for me, there was never any issue with my family thinking porn was bad. My problems literally stemmed from believing that most porn is just something that we can’t talk about with anyone and that I had to take every effort in order to hide it.

I did used to talk about some porn with my friends when I was a teenager. They used it too and there was one of them who would steal Playboy magazines from his father and then pass them around to all his friends (including me). The thing is, there was a limit to what we could talk about with porn. If we were talking about Playboy models then that was fine but anything else was out of bounds. I have a pregnant fetish for example and that definitely wasn’t acceptable to talk about. One of our friends was gay too and he couldn’t talk about his porn either.

Let’s face it, Playboy style photo shoots are boring. Really fucking boring. I mean, the models are beautiful and everything… but no way am I getting off to some dolled up runway model taking off her bikini. No offence, it’s just not that exciting unless you’re fucking twelve and this is the first time you saw a naked woman. I always liked the really dirty shit. It got no weirder than the preggophilia that I already mentioned but I wanted to see people having sex and dripping with cum. People being tied up and shit. That’s what turned me on and I think many people are the same. So yeah, it’s acceptable to talk about porn but only certain genres. Most of it still has to be kept a secret.

Differences in the social acceptance of porn use

My embarrassment was considerable every time someone discovered my porn. Yet most of the time, the person discovering it responded with friendly banter. Only two people were ever shocked upon discovering I looked at porn. The first was a fragile and insecure partner I had. The second was a teacher who saw a porn movie on my computer by accident, another moment I’ll never forget.

Yet if you’re a different gender to me, you may have felt your addiction is less socially acceptable. It isn’t so shocking for a father to discover his son has been looking at porn. The experience of someone like Jessica Harris (who has a blog about it) isn’t the same. Even when someone discovered her porn they didn’t believe it was hers (due to her gender).

Unfortunately, the sexualisation of women by men has been the norm for a very long time. Men are generally not surprised about their peer’s use of porn. Other genders don’t have the same level of expectation attached, so it’s possible that they feel more alone in their struggles. That said, everyone hides their porn for the same basic reasons. Embarrassment and shame.

The problem with hiding things is that they are often then linked to shame. Yet hiding porn is usually necessary. If you don’t hide it, you may expose someone else to something that they’re not ready for. Particularly if you have children or vulnerable people around.

You don’t deserve to feel ashamed about your sexuality or even the kind of porn you’ve been watching (unless it’s illegal of course).

I encourage you to find someone that you trust and tell them about your porn usage. Most of my friends acknowledged that they too look at porn. Knowing only that was enough to reduce my level of shame. Unfortunately there are still a lot of limitations on what of our sexual fantasies we can talk about but online there are a lot of communities dedicated to it. Just don’t let these communities drag you further down the addiction rabbit hole. I don’t recommend NoFap any more, they’re too extreme and will keep telling you that you can never look at porn. That’s not the goal in my opinion, the goal is to reduce dependency on it.

If you can tell your partner about your porn addiction even better. My own partner Eve knows about my past and accepts it without judgement. She hasn’t ever used pornography herself so she doesn’t fully understand it. It was a big contrast, me who was addicted to it and her who never used it. Yet I feel no shame at all about it. She knows and so I have nothing to hide. Find someone and tell them.

Why you should avoid ‘collecting’ porn

collecting porn

Keeping a porn collection comes with the following bad side effects:

  • Dependency on specific images and movies.
  • Experiencing panic and anxiety whenever someone needs to use your computer or smartphone.
  • Embarrassment and shame when someone discovers porn you collected.
  • Worrying what people think of you after they discovered your porn, even after they said it’s ok.
  • Endless wasted hours ‘curating’ your porn collection.
  • Wasted hard disk space that you could use for backing up files that actually matter.
  • Worrying about people discovering your porn files after you die.
  • A porn collection is often a big source of shame.

Collecting porn was one of the worst mistakes I ever made. Nowadays it isn’t usually necessary to collect porn. Most have personal computers or smartphones that they can use in privacy. Back when I started, there was one family computer so I used to print out erotic images and stories. Printing them out and taking them to my bedroom was the only way I could enjoy porn in privacy. This action of collection solidified itself as a habit. I believe many collectors got started in a similar way.

Unfortunately, I believed that if I could hide my porn well enough, it wouldn’t do me any harm. After I got a personal computer, my collection habit got worse. Instead of collecting printouts, I collected porn files. It didn’t occur to me that collecting porn was completely pointless. The novelty of individual images and movies wears off very quickly. Especially when you know that there is so much more porn to discover. When it comes to porn addiction, less is very rarely more.

First I kept deeply nested and hidden folder structures. Then I used file encryption software, password protected directories and encrypted drives. All of that effort just to hide my porn habit. I felt like a naughty agent 007. My tastes exploded and my collecting reached new heights. Things that I’d previously found disgusting were the new craze. Nothing was out of bounds.

Had I stopped collecting files, my obsession with porn may not have sunk such deep roots. Before private computers, printing out porn and keeping it to enjoy later kind of made sense. That was about privacy. The only other reason for collecting porn on a large scale is addiction or obsession.

My advice? Don’t collect porn in any way. Collecting porn is dangerous. Having a collection encourages you to add to it, curate it and become further addicted to it. If you must watch porn, so be it. Just try not to collect.

A big part of my addiction became curating the collection of porn I kept. Collecting and categorising porn was like comfort eating. It made me feel good while I did it and caused me trouble when I wasn’t. I hid porn in many places so occasionally I still stumble upon it. Yet deleting my main porn collection was one of the best steps I took towards recovery.

Delete your porn collection and never restart it.

Physical symptoms to porn addiction

symptoms of porn addiction

As well as the memory and brain performance problems discussed earlier and outlined in this study, porn addiction can have the following physical consequences.

  • Loss of sensitivity
  • Inability to reach orgasm
  • Painful intercourse
  • Fatigue
  • Erectile dysfunction
  • Broken / dry skin around the penis
  • Delayed ejaculation
  • Premature ejaculation
  • Phimosis (tightening of the foreskin due to trauma)

Even early on I realised that I was looking at more porn than I should have been. Sometimes I used it so much that the skin on my penis would become split and sore, causing me to have to quit for a few days. Another regular symptom was dry skin around my penis. If you have a penis, physical symptoms like this are potential signs that you’re masturbating and possibly looking at porn too much.

Later on in my life when I became a sex blogger, I would suffer with phimosis as a result of a nasty infection from a bad toy. I believe that the phimosis was caused by the toy, yet there were many times throughout my life when I masturbated so much and for so long that I caused fissures and small splits to the tip of my foreskin. I think I must have had a tight foreskin even before my toy infection, because phimosis is known to get worse as scarring and damage occurs to the tip of the foreskin. I managed to recover from phimosis but I’ll talk about that more another day.

Not everyone with skin conditions around their genitals is addicted to porn. It’s also possible that someone can have a dry skin problem in general or a type of eczema. Buying lube may help skin irritation.

Psychological symptoms of Porn Addiction

The psychological symptoms of porn addiction are what makes it such a nightmare to live with. We’ll continue exploring how porn affects our behaviour and minds later in the article but this is a quick summary of just some symptoms that people with porn addiction complain of.

  • Shame and guilt
  • Agitation when deprived of porn time
  • Low motivation to find sexual partners
  • Low libido
  • Avoidant behaviour around potential sexual partners
  • Self-esteem and confidence issues
  • Anxiety and depression
  • Arousal problems when not using porn
  • Obsessive browsing and collection
  • Brain fog

Psychological erectile dysfunction or loss of libido

If you have a penis, your porn usage may cause psychological erectile dysfunction. This means you can have an erection when on your own with porn but struggle when with a partner. If you’re of a different gender then the low libido may still affect you in a similar way.

If psychological erectile dysfunction is your problem then I sympathise with you because I too had this issue. It’s a difficult problem to resolve but if I recovered you can too. You can read some of the tips I have for people suffering with psychological erectile dysfunction here.

Why porn addicts have several issues with control

Physical control issues

If you masturbate too much, you may experience a lack of stimulation during sex. This was a huge problem for me. There is more than one reason for a lack of sensitivity during sex. One reason is that we can become accustomed to our own grip, touch, speed and control.

If you’ve trained your body and mind to do things in only one way then it shouldn’t be surprising that they resist change.

Of those four variables (grip, touch, speed and control), control is the killer. Too much masturbation can lead to control problems that only become apparent during sex. During sex we have to give part of our sensory control to someone else and allow them to become intimately involved with us. That means a change in speed, a change in grip and a change in routine. Porn addicts may find that they are unable to give away the necessary sensory control and focus. If you’ve trained your body and mind to do things in only one way then it shouldn’t be surprising that they resist change.

Internal resistance to the loss of control your body experiences during sex can manifest itself in many ways. These include pain, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation and sensitivity reduction. Using sex toys can be a very good way to train yourself to accept other physical sensations. Sex toys helped me give up some of the control I had surrounding sexual stimulation. What’s great about sex toys is that you can still be alone while adapting, which is very useful.

Sex toys can be a very good way to train yourself to accept other physical sensations.

I recommend you use sex toys that will offer a completely different sensory experience to your main mode of masturbation. If you think your grip is a problem, choose a toy that doesn’t allow you to grip. If you never tried a vibrator before, then using one could be a great way to open yourself to different sensations. Prostate glands often go untouched, so if you have one then try using a prostate toy.

This website is a great resource if you need to consider sex toys. I’ve written extensively about penis and prostate sex toys. My partner Eve has written many reviews about vaginal and clitoral sex toys. However the control of physical sensations isn’t the only issue with porn addiction.

porn fantasies

Psychological control issues

The act of watching porn means that your fantasies can be controlled unnaturally. Good movies, books and music hack our emotions. Good advertising hacks our desires. Good porn hacks both our fantasies and our desires.

One question that is not being asked: What is porn doing to us and are we OK with that? – Philip Zimbardo (author of the Lucifer Principle and person who conducted the Stanford Prison Experiment)

Who is in control of your fantasies? You may believe it is you and I respect that decision. Yet I believe that my own fantasies were at least partially controlled by the porn industry. Porn gave me the illusion that I controlled my fantasy world. Yet on reflection, when I watched porn I became passive. I believe most people do. Passive to the whims of porn curators and websites.

Furthermore, controlling my fantasy world with such a tight grip also trapped me inside it. My sexuality couldn’t exist without the control I asserted over it with porn.

Advertising can make you want to buy things you didn’t want. Porn can make you obsessed with a fetish that you previously thought ridiculous or strange.

I obsessed over specific body parts, situations, colours, clothing and I had several fetishes. Porn should have been a way for me to control and construct my ideal fantasy world. Instead, I only ever lived in someone else’s fantasy world. There are some obsessions I would have had regardless of my porn use. Yet many fixations I have had were the direct result of repeated exposure to that kind of porn.

I’m a firm believer in the idea that fantasy is a healthy and productive part of sexuality. Authors such as Nancy Friday have done a lot of research into the field of sexual fantasy. Her work can prove to anyone that they aren’t alone in having weird fantasies.

break free of porn addiction

I recommend that you break free of your pornographic fantasies. Try to remember what you fantasised about before you became addicted to porn. For me, these semi-innate fantasies never left me. After weaning myself off porn it struck me how much more powerful these original fantasies were. Far more potent than the artificial world of pornography.

Work on creating mental stimulation that doesn’t involve porn. Don’t let it control your fantasies.

How porn can destroy your sex life

torn heart

In this section, I’ll be using my own experiences to describe how porn can destroy a sex life.

I was a teenager with no girlfriend so I didn’t once think about quitting porn. By the time I finally got a girlfriend I had a warped idea of what it meant to be intimate with someone. Although the thought didn’t literally occur, what was going on in my body said “Shouldn’t this be happening on my computer screen?!”.

When I started having sex, I found that I couldn’t climax or enjoy it

My porn consumption dropped when I first started pursuing girls. Yet when I started having sex, I couldn’t climax or enjoy it. For over a decade I didn’t understand why people enjoyed sex so much. I knew I was being selfish by not wanting to share these moments with someone else, yet I couldn’t find a way to enjoy it.

Even though my enjoyment of sex remained low, my need for companionship was high. As my sex life evolved I became good at hiding my climax problems. I faked orgasms and found ways to distract my partner sexually while I brought myself to orgasm. Sometimes I would even go to the bathroom after sex to bring myself to climax there. It was a real source of frustration for me. Particularly because the partner I was with at the time would get incredibly angry whenever they could tell that I wasn’t enjoying it.

Need Desire neon signs

As a result of my habitual behaviour surrounding sex, my need for porn only grew stronger. I couldn’t explain myself to my partner, couldn’t enjoy sex and I felt a lot of shame. In my mind at the time, porn was the only answer. My only sexual release.

In reflection, my porn use got worse as a result of me being in a bad relationship for way too long. My partner wasn’t right for me. Instead of admitting that, I found ways to hide this fact from myself. Porn was just one of those ways.

Once I accidentally told my partner that I’d been looking at porn and she blew up. I was scum, I was a pervert, a creep, an ass hole, an inconsiderate, cheating bastard. Needless to say, I only made the mistake of revealing it to this particular partner once.

If you have a partner with porn addiction, try to help them without passing judgement.

If it is you dealing with someone else who has a porn problem, please try not to react with the same intensity as my partner did. If you blow up then your partner may close to you and hide their habit even more (like I did).

What about NoFap and quitting masturbation?

Going cold turkey on porn and doing not masturbating for a month or two is a great way to start recovery. However I’m not a fan of the actual community of NoFap because they are too dead set on completely eliminating masturbation and porn usage, which I find ridiculous to be honest.

Still knowing I had a problem, I decided one day that I’d avoid masturbation, thus porn for an entire month. It was before the NoFap website existed and I hadn’t heard of that community. When I did my first month off masturbation, I was working alone in Europe alone so I found it challenging. Yet I succeeded in not masturbating or looking at porn for that entire month. Instead, I filled my time with cultural and social activities. It felt great and when I finally did have sex, it was damn amazing. I’d never had such good sex.

I completely disagree with the idea that someone should aim to eliminate masturbation from their lives permanently. I don’t even agree that we should avoid porn permanently. I find such comments just as ridiculous and unhelpful as I find the speculations of those who deny the existence of porn.

When I finally did have sex, it was damn amazing.

Don’t assume that your porn addiction won’t come back to haunt you

For some time, I enjoyed relative freedom from porn addiction. The effects of the month I spent not masturbating or using porn lasted quite a long time. Even when alone I began doing other things like reading and watching television. I resumed masturbation without issue. Yet eventually my addiction to porn returned with another unhealthy relationship.

When the addiction returned to me it came back with a new ferocity. I not only consumed porn but collected and catalogued it. It became a real obsession. My tastes became even weirder. I wasn’t even enjoying looking at it.

If you fail once to kick the porn habit, keep trying

Shortly before another trip to Europe, I ended my bad relationship and decided to quit masturbating for two months. This time my sexual appetite was ravenous. It felt physically painful to have to deprive myself for that long. By the end of the two months, my crazy sex drive had gone down and I swore that I’d not look at porn again (I’d later change my mind).

I don’t believe that NoFap holds the definitive answer. Not masturbating helped me temporarily because it gave me the shock to the system I required to break my porn habit. After all, without masturbation, porn feels empty and pointless. Yet I believe masturbation is healthy so I don’t subscribe to all of NoFap’s ideology.

Quitting porn may not completely cure your sexual problems

torment by porn addiction

After giving up porn I became increasingly concerned about my persisting erectile dysfunction. I knew it was psychological because when alone I could achieve an erection without issue. Yet even with new partners it would return. I assumed that getting rid of porn and stopping masturbation would magically cure me. It didn’t. Anxiety got hold of me and I ended up looking at porn again. I still believed it was dangerous but told myself a small amount was ok.

Next I started seeing a sexologist / psychologist and explained my situation. We saw each other several times and I found talk therapy extremely helpful. He agreed that my porn habit had to stop and he also had a very simple answer to my bad sexual encounters.

I found talk therapy extremely helpful.

“Few of those relationships were good. You had problems with most and a vicious cycle of thought caused the rest to go the same way.” As the sexologist talked more, I realised that I should have ended some relationships way sooner than I did. Without realising it, I had been with many incompatible partners.

Despite the apparent confidence I portrayed every day, my self-esteem remained low between most of my relationships and so even when I found a great partner, I carried the same sexual baggage with me. Without seeing a seeing a psychologist, I may have never realised.

Now is the moment I will acknowledge those that believe porn addiction isn’t real and the problems instead lie elsewhere. Those people might look at this section of my article and say “Hey! See! I told you! He’s fucking anxious and has baggage, that’s his problem!” Again with all due respect, fuck off with that shit. I obsessively collected and watched porn. It was the only thing that made me feel good. Don’t be a twat, playing with words and semantics to make it appear like you are the one who knows what is really going on. I don’t give a fuck about the physical comparison between substance addiction and porn/shopping/gambling addiction. Everything has its roots somewhere motherfucker. When I say I was addicted to porn, I mean it. I depended on that shit, case closed. Fuck you, fuck your friend who thinks the same as you and fuck the qualified psychologist that you so desperately cling on to for validation.

In all honesty, I’m writing angry mostly in jest. Seriously though, think about how you would feel if I denied that something you suffered from existed. It’s a pointless argument. If you want go after religious organisations that are trying to ban porn for their own agender, be my guest… I couldn’t care less. Don’t tell people that their addiction isn’t real though. It’s disrespectful, hurtful and it doesn’t help anyone. What you’re doing by denying that porn addiction even exists is putting yourself at the extreme opposite end of the political divide on this matter. Just as those who want to ban all porn are utterly ridiculous, those who deny the feelings of real people with addictions are also ridiculous. Don’t be a twat.

Get a quallified psychologist or sexologist to help you.

Should porn be banned?

Danger no entry sign

Despite the massive consequences of my unhealthy porn use, I don’t believe that banning porn is the answer. Always be suspicious of any organisation that promotes the idea of banning all pornography. For instance, TraffickingHub and Fight The New Drug were founded by religious people with their own agenda (even though they deny that). NoFap is also too extreme in my opinion.

Yet I believe the language of porn needs to change. I would like to see porn websites labelling videos and images differently. Violent and repulsive language on porn sites encourages our minds to think of sex in unhealthy ways.

Let’s just consider some of the following video titles I found on the front page of the world’s most popular porn site (warning offensive language):

  • “Facefuck and Creampie a Big Boobs Girl”
  • “Hard fucked cute teenage girl missionary, NO MERCY, eye rolling”
  • “Milf with huge boobs in anal painful homemade action”
  • “Skinny girl being fucked like a fuck doll”

That’s word for word what I found and if this language wasn’t so widespread it would make me laugh. These titles are so disrespectful they are borderline comical. This language is harmful and in my opinion, needs to be targeted for change.

There is a growing movement of more ethical porn which is worth mentioning. This includes websites like Beautiful Agony, Bright Desire, Lust Cinema and films by porn director Erika Lust. This porn is still smoking hot but comes without the disrespect mentioned above.

Will you ever look at porn again?

I don’t look at very much porn anymore, even the ethical kind. It has been years since I say “I recovered” from porn addiction and now it just doesn’t seem as appealing any more. Most of the mainstream porn websites that I visit every once in awhile don’t really offer me things that I find interesting. I masturbate mostly from scenarios from my own imagination and to be honest, porn can rarely offer me something hotter than what I imagine. In that way, staying away from porn for a long time has been a real eye opener. I don’t need it. It’s nice sometimes… but I don’t need it to enjoy masturbation.

There are some genres of porn that I believe are quite helpful. For example creampies, pregnancy fetishes, hentai, group sex… that kind of thing. These are all genres that contain fantasies that can be problematic in the real world. I have a pregnancy fetish for example, yet I can’t really profit from that in the real world because I’m not going to go around making loads of women pregnant and leaving my orphans at every corner of the globe. Group sex too. Some people go for it in real life but the psychological consequences can be complicated for some folks. Having that played out in porn is helpful because it means people who are just interested in the fantasy can enjoy it without actually participating. It’s those kinds of videos I enjoy if I ever do look at porn. Some very intimate porn is hot too… genuine stuff.

The kind of porn I find less helpful is the big cock, big tits, big ass style genres. That’s stuff that I’d collect when I was addicted to porn but now I don’t give a fuck about it. It doesn’t turn me on just to see a pair of tits. Tits are nice but to be honest it isn’t enough to see boobs shaking in front of me. Call me difficult if you like but I’m going to need some dirtier shit than that to get me off. Eve (my girlfriend) jumping on me, pinning me to the bed, telling me she’s been fantasising of being fucked doggystyle all day and that she’s been soaking wet, wanting to fuck every guy in the metro on the way home… that’s more like it. That’s why I love my little French devil. She’s crazy in the best possible way. I don’t really appreciate seeing a model prance about on screen with massive tits when I’ve got Eve here giving me steaming hot dirty sex all the time. Those classic porn vid categories seem a bit dull in comparison to my sex life and my own imagination.

Don’t trust TraffickingHub or Fight The New Drug

Unfortunately, there are organisations out there that want to abolish pornography for their own religious agenda.

TraffickingHub is the worst offender of all. I am not affiliated to them and don’t I support them in any way. They are part of a group called ExodusCry, an extreme evangelical Christian group. ExodusCry is against homosexuality, sex workers and they are now using sexual abuse survivors to further their agenda.

When I first discovered TraffickingHub I was impressed with their information, evidence and the video they made. They totally hid the fact that they were part of an extreme Christian group. After I found out about the religious agenda, I felt betrayed and angry.

TraffickingHub has done a lot of harm to the legitimate criticism of pornography. They became very well known and now porn companies are able to say “yeah but they’re religious nut jobs, don’t listen to them”.

Fight The New Drug is another organisation that claims to be non-religious. Unfortunately they can’t be fully trusted either because that organisation too was founded by members of the Mormon Church (including the leader).

Religion has no part to play in discussions on pornography and organisations run by religious people shouldn’t be involved.

Porn should not be free

porn money

The ‘porn shouldn’t be free’ argument I have relates mostly to the huge porn websites. These websites make it too easy for the wrong people to get access to extreme adult content. Individual creators and people who want to share their sexuality is fine in my view. There are many sex bloggers that post images for example. So long as those people put age verification in place, I don’t see any problem with it.

Websites like PornHub, XNXX, XHamster, YouPorn and ImageFap are a problem. Massive free porn websites like PornHub have been accused numerous times of hosting illegal, unethical and racist content. They don’t have the ability to moderate uploads enough, which means a lot of content that shouldn’t be there is. It also isn’t a far out claim to suggest most porn addicts are fuelled by such websites. Hosting extreme content for free means anyone can access it, even children and other vulnerable people. The porn there is actually quite shit as well, as I was describing in the last section.

Anonymous people should never be encouraged to upload porn onto such widely used websites. The criminal implications of allowing anonymous people to upload porn is huge. One of the reasons these websites get into trouble is precisely because they fail to moderate the content users upload. Porn needs to be regulated and these free websites aren’t doing the regulating. PornHub did have a massive purge recently where they deleted all unverified videos from their servers. That won’t stop the problem though and let’s be honest, they only did that because financial institutions were starting to stop processing their payments.

By using free porn you’re also not supporting any of the entertainers you are watching. The least you can do is make sure that the performers you watch are treated with human decency, a rare commodity in the porn business. It is your responsibility as a consumer to ensure that any porn you watch is ethical. Companies like the ones I mentioned above will never change. Only consumer power and political regulation can spark the change needed.

Things to do instead of watching porn

Like I said, I’m not against porn. I believe people can get addicted to it and that those who are should kick the habit for a long time before returning to it. As addicted as I was, I still watch porn from time to time. Below are a few ideas you can use to moderate your porn usage.

Erotica

Erotica is technically a form of pornography. Me recommending erotica isn’t going to help someone who feels like they are addicted to it. Yet for someone addicted to pornographic videos and images, erotica can be a great replacement.

Writing erotica – The first thing I started doing to replace porn was writing my own erotica. Writing down fantasies was liberating and created a powerful imagination in me that now turbocharges my sex life. If you want to write erotica in secrecy, I recommend Standard Notes (an encrypted notebook). I use Standard Notes to write most of my articles on this website.

Reading erotica – Erotica takes longer to consume and forces you to use your imagination to fill in details. As an active participant in the process, you are gaining more by reading erotica than passively watching porn.

Listening to erotica – Audible is a good source of commercial erotica but there are many free resources too. Girl On The Net, another sex blogger hosts some great audio erotica.

Use your imagination

Your imagination has the potential to be your most powerful source of fantasy. I loved reading Nancy Friday’s books and discovering the fantasies people created in their own heads. I believe most of us have semi-innate fantasies that come into existence with or without porn. Try to remember and tap into your original fantasies. They could potentially hold the key to your pornographic chains.

Actually research sex

Mainstream porn only ever teaches us warped sexuality. By researching sex, you will not only gain knowledge but also confidence. Books like “She Comes First”, “Mating in Captivity”, “Come as you are”, books from the School of Life and of course Nancy Friday’s books have all been a massive help to me. That’s not to mention the huge amount of information online.

Researching things that can make you better at sex is a GREAT way to replace time spent watching porn.

Research and try new sex toys

As I mentioned, I’m not against masturbation. It’s healthy. I’m also a big advocate of sex toys and believe that using them can avoid the trap of becoming habituated to only one form of stimulation. This website is a great resource for sex toys (we have many reviews).

Have more sex

I feel a bit condescending for writing this but I’d feel this list incomplete without suggesting that you have more sex to replace porn. Of course, you may need time to recover from your dependency on porn, I know I did. Or if you don’t have a partner this isn’t possible. Yet avoiding sex perpetually will only lead you back to porn.

Make sex more exciting if you have to. I’ve found sex toys a great help and also adult board games like Nookii and Monogamy. Role-playing is another very accessible way to spice up your sex life.

Summary of Advice for Porn Addicts

  1. Find someone you trust and tell them about your porn use.
  2. Delete your porn collection and never restart it.
  3. Use lube if the skin around your genitals is often sore from over masturbation.
  4. Try sex toys if you are used to only one form of masturbation.
  5. Try to remember the fantasies you had before your porn addiction.
  6. Create mental stimulation that doesn’t involve porn.
  7. Consider stopping masturbation temporarily
  8. Get a qualified psychologist or sexologist to help you.
  9. If you can’t avoid porn, use more ethical sources.
  10. Replace porn with erotic literature / writing / audio-books.
  11. Replace porn with your own imagination.
  12. Replace porn with sex research.
  13. Try spicing up your sex life instead of turning back to porn.

Now it’s over to you!

This is a big article. If you made it to the end then thank you for your time and congratulations. I hope that my words have been of some small comfort or help to you. Please share my article if you found it helpful and feel free to drop me a message or a comment. I love hearing from people and your support of my writing means a lot to me.

Take care, you can get through this.

you got this sign

Sources

  1. “Is Porn Good For Us Or Bad For Us?” Psychology Today, 1 Mar 2016, Dr Philip Zimbardo – https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hero/201603/is-porn-good-us-or-bad-us
  2. “We Must Rely on Good Science in Porn Debate” Psychology Today, 2 Mar 2016, David J Ley – https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-who-stray/201603/we-must-rely-good-science-in-porn-debate
  3. “4 Ways Porn Use Causes Problems” Psychology Today, 5 Mar 2018, Grant Hilary Brenner – https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/experimentations/201803/4-ways-porn-use-causes-problems
  4. “Porn Addiction” Psychology Today – https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/porn-addiction
  5. “Sexual Cues Alter Working Memory Performance And Brain Processing In Men With Compulsive Sexual Behavior” Science Direct, 10 June 2020 – https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2213158220301455#b0235
  6. “Pornography Addiction: A NeuroScience Perspective” NCBI, 21 Feb 2011, Donald L Hilton & Clark Watts – https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3050060/
  7. “Can Women Get Addicted To Watching Porn?” Fight The New Drug, 18 May 2020 – https://fightthenewdrug.org/can-women-get-addicted-to-pornography/
  8. “To The Woman Addicted To Porn – You’re Not Alone” CRU.org, Jessica Harris – https://www.cru.org/us/en/blog/life-and-relationships/women/to-the-woman-addicted-to-porn-youre-not-alone.html
  9. “Porn Addiction” NoFap.com – https://nofap.com/porn-addiction/
  10. Perel, Esther. “Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence.”, Harper, 2006.

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