Erectile dysfunction is sadly becoming more common now than ever before. My post here relates to guys under 35 years old because I’m around that age. However I think men of all ages, as well as their partners will find this useful reading too.
First things first, I want to say JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE HAD ED FOR YEARS DOESN’T MEAN IT’S HERE TO STAY. Phew. Sorry for the all caps. I wish I had read that when I was going through my phase. That’s probably all it is, a phase. It isn’t an incredibly easy problem to fix, it’s true. I believe you can fix it though.
Every man has times when his John Thomas doesn’t work the way he wants. Where his todger gets stuck in the wrong gear. When his Jiminy Cricket fails him. When his Sgt. Jimbob went back to sleep. Sorry.. too many synonyms and too little self control. My point is… everybody has experienced that disappointing feeling at some time or another. If I’m too tired, too stressed, too sick or have been emotionally unstable, I have trouble dinging my dong too.
At least a small part of the problem is that us men believe that wielding our love sticks is a very serious business. Some of us have been led to believe we are not proper men, not capable of holding down a relationship if such things occur.
My personal experience was that erectile dysfunction was psychological. However you know what won’t help your happy fireman? An unhealthy body. If you drink too much, eat bad food, exercise rarely, smoke, have nutrition deficiencies or take drugs… you are asking for trouble. So take some time to reflect on each thing that contributes to your body health. If you feel like it you could even take a blood test or visit a doctor.
I thought there was some physical side to my ED when I had it. I thought that “no WAY can I be psychologically weak enough to succumb to this pocket-rocket-defusing dysfunction”. That’s another problem with us. None of us like admitting to psychological problems of any kind. We’re men god damn it, we don’t suffer psychologically. Yet we do, more than we realise. Just stop telling yourself that it’s a psychological weakness. It’s a trait, picked up from somewhere. Trained to you by either yourself, your situation or other external things.
So what can you do if you have psychological erectile dysfunction?
First I tried what many people suggested. I tried not thinking about it. Now I’m not sure about you. However when I try not to think of something, I make it worse and think of that thing even more.
I also tried mindfulness meditation. This was somewhat useful as it got me used to emptying my mind. There are many free guided meditations on Youtube that you can check out. Plus lots of inexpensive books. There are even classes you can go to. It really works, it isn’t just ‘hippy shit’. I don’t do mindfulness much anymore but I think the concept stayed with me. Another thing I think could help is sensory deprivation tanks/float tanks. Using one is like a meditation short cut.
Honestly I think one of the most useful things I did was go to a psychologist. It didn’t take long but having someone ask me the right questions seemed to unblock me somewhat. It didn’t fix me entirely though.
I quit porn. I believe that was the other big factor in my recovery. This is quite a drastic idea for a lot of guys. Just do it, your ding dong will thank you. Porn over stimulates us, teaches us bad self image and sets our expectations too high. You are no doubt accustomed to seeing one hundred or more sexy individuals having effortless, explicit sex every month. How the hell are you going to be satisfied on a regular basis with just one sexy individual (who you are also responsible for pleasing)? And this is assuming your consumption of porn is simply average. If it’s heavy, you’re possibly seeing thousands of sexy individuals every month. On top of that, you’re probably watching some weird shit. So think again, how are you meant to keep your pied piper inspired with just one person in your bed after all that porn?
Some people will say they watch porn because real sex with their partner doesn’t excite them. I’m sorry but those people kind of answered their own question about where their ED problem is coming from. It’s going to be an unpopular idea but perhaps you and your partner aren’t sexually compatible anymore. Or perhaps your sex life needs some spicing up. Work at it, you and your partner may need to face some very real issues.
For many people there is a lot of shame attached to porn consumption. I would go to great lengths to hide the fact I’d been looking at porn. I’d hide it inside deep and random system files. Zip it up. Encrypt it. In fact I hid it so well I still stumble across it now, even after I thought I deleted it all. I found it incredibly embarrassing. Like this bad thing that I shouldn’t be doing.
So I stopped porn for a very long time. Sometimes now I look at it. However usually this is as a foreplay thing with Eve. Either way I make sure the shame factor isn’t included anymore. I’m very open about what I watch and look at now. That helps me keep it in check and makes sure that I’m not using it like I used to.
So unblocking myself personally also meant getting rid of shame. The shame of porn is only one thing. Perhaps you’ll find that you are ashamed of your desire for another person, ashamed of wanting to try certain things sexually, ashamed of saying certain things during sex. Let it all go. Don’t give a shit. Shame is a destructive force to your lightsaber.
Next I stopped masturbating (temporarily). I did this for months rather than years as some people in the NoFap community do. Usually I would stop for one or two months at a time. When I restarted, I made sure I would not use a speed and grip that was too far removed from my experience during sex. I would also limit masturbation to once per week, because I knew I was still recovering.
I bought a Fleshlight and some other sex toys. It helped me adapt to things other than my own hand. By now my ED was disappearing but I highly encourage you to try some good male sex toys. Break your masturbation habits. This very blog is a great place to learn about male sex toys. A sex toy like the Hot Octopuss Pulse doesn’t even require you to be hard for you to reach orgasm.
Lastly, don’t worry so much about what the girls (or guys) think. They have their own problems too. They will understand. If they get their knickers in a twist when your Luigi can’t finish the job, they’re being unreasonable.
However you should know that getting good at other sexual acts is an excellent way to offset the problem with your Captain Danger. If you can go down on your partner and make them scream, there’s no reason for you to feel like you’re a failure. A book like She Comes First is an excellent guide to further mastering your oral skills.
Now go forth with your wonder wiggler and hold your head high. This hasn’t beaten you yet. Your Willy Wonka will live to ride his magic elevator another day.