Everyone has periods in their lives where things get so exhausting that they can no longer make time or even think about sex. For some it’s a simple matter of time and for others, the deluge of life’s burdens become so heavy that fatigue deprives them of a sex life. The most important thing is how people deal with these periods of exhaustion. In this article we hope to explore the different ways you can help yourself.
Eve and I are no strangers to exhaustion. For us the source of fatigue is usually work. We both have very busy jobs and occasionally we get periods of intense deadlines. During these times our sex life becomes more infrequent and we can’t write as much on this blog either. These busy periods can sometimes last several months for us. We have gone through the struggles of not finding energy for sex but we also found ways of tackling that. Here are the things we suggest.
#1 Identify the cause of your exhaustion
This first step is very obvious but it’s surprising how easy it is to forget to define what it is that is sapping your energy. Maybe for you, exhaustion will stem from looking after children, elderly parents, financial problems, looking for a new home, job etc. It doesn’t matter what it is or how many sources of exhaustion you have. Write those things down so that you can do something about them.
Sometimes I choose to rate my sources of exhaustion on a scale of one to ten. This gives me a sense of priority in what I need to improve or ease up. Often it isn’t easy to make a source of exhaustion completely disappear. For example with work, there is a very limited amount I can do to remove the exhaustion of a deadline. However I always find something to help my exhaustion, even if it simply means buying some gourmet coffee or taking a slightly different route home from work. I try to do something no matter how small, even if I don’t feel the affects of it straight away. If you can do bigger things like delegating tasks to somebody else or taking time off, do so.
#2 Remind yourself regularly that your exhaustion is totally normal
It is likely that most people in your situation would be exhausted. It is even more likely that there are many people right there with you, suffering the affects. There is no point in feeling guilty or melodramatic about your exhaustion messing up your sex life. That’s what exhaustion does.
#3 Communicate with your partner about your exhaustion and sex life… regularly!
Don’t just let your lack of libido simmer away. The best way to avoid hurting each other’s self esteem is to talk about the things that are slowing down (or stopping) your sex life. Most people will understand a partner that tells them that life is making them too physically and mentally exhausted for sex. Likewise most partners will also understand that their other half is sexually frustrated.
It’s important that nobody feels guilty for anything because most of the time it isn’t anybody’s fault. For example when I have a project that I control going on, it isn’t my fault that it’s tiring me. If it something that I feel I need to do, then it has to be done. No external source is required for the exhaustion. The important thing is that you both understand why your sex life is suffering and you both understand how the other person feels about it.
With all that said… be ready to compromise and come up with ways of addressing the exhaustion.
#4 Make sleep a priority
With exhaustion, usually comes sleep deprivation. For people who are sleep deprived, there is no wonder that they never have any energy for sex. It’s surprising that they have any energy at all.
- Control your bed time more.
- Stop looking at screens one hour before you are meant to sleep.
- Consider meditating when you go to bed – I use a mindfulness technique where I flash through the day that just passed visually quickly, without stopping to judge anything.
- Don’t drink anything one hour before you sleep unless you absolutely must.
- Don’t drink any caffeine after 16:00.
- Write in a diary before bed time.
- Instead of watching the TV or Netflix before bed, try reading or listening to an audio book.
#5 Use sex toys in mutual masturbation instead of pressuring yourself into actual sex
One thing we have come to know as sex toy reviewers is that sex toys are GREAT during periods of high exhaustion. It’s far easier to get into the mood when we have decided we only want to use sex toys. Some toys are so effortless that they sit on your genitals vibrating until you reach orgasm.
Another benefit of this method is that by the time we are in the middle of using the sex toy, we are often then ready for sex too. I can’t count how many times Eve and I said “let’s just use a sex toy tonight” and then ended up having sex as well.
When either Eve or I are really too exhausted even for that, we at least support the other who does want it. If Eve wants to use a toy, I will lie by the side of her kissing her gently, even if I don’t want to use a toy myself. That way we’re both happy and neither of us feels guilty or let down.
#6 Stay away from porn
The reason you should stay away from porn is because it can become a crutch very easily. If you get into the habit of watching porn to substitute your lack of libido in bed, it might feel good in the short term but in the long term you are making your problems worse. Using porn means you have a ‘replacement’ for your bad sex life. When you get too used to using it, you can fall further into a rut with your sex life and end up even worse off than you were to begin with.
Porn can also lead to unhealthy sex fascinations. It is very well known that people who watch a lot of porn develop very specific sexual interests that can then interfere with their sex lives. Take for example somebody who is constantly watching more extreme porn regularly. Simple sex won’t cut it anymore for that person. They’ll likely have trouble getting aroused. Yet it’s not only the extreme porn. A person who adapts themselves to seeing tens or hundreds of naked actors / actresses in one sitting is also at risk. When they’re used to seeing that variety of naked models, how is one going to satisfy them?
For all of these reasons and more, porn can lead to actual sex problems like erectile dysfunction. I’m not saying all porn is evil and you should totally avoid it. Just be careful about using it when you are exhausted or have problems with your sex life.
#7 Plan a short weekend break or holiday away from everybody
… away from everybody including your kids, pets and friends. Eve and I almost always notice our sex drives skyrocket when we take a holiday or short break. Sometimes we book little hotels for a night or two in a town nearby just to have a break from our busy lives. We don’t do this specifically to have sex every time but it almost always helps.
#8 Plan a date night
If you live alone you can plan a date night at home. Something as simple as lighting a few candles, opening a bottle of wine, playing a cheeky game and having dinner can set the spark off. The only the that limits you is your creativity. If you need some inspiration you can try one of our free games. Also check your phones for some truth or dare, never have I ever and would you rather games.
If you don’t live alone, plan a date night out. Tell whoever is at home that when you come back, you need privacy and peace. Maybe something will happen, maybe it won’t. No pressure!
#9 Spice things up… do something different in bed
Planning to do something different sexually can make you so excited that despite your exhaustion, your sex life will peak again. We have reviewed many sex toys and other products on this website that can help you. Eve and I often make holidays like Christmas, Halloween, Easter and Valentines day naughty. This gives us a chance to spark something new and try some new things.
‘Spice things up’ doesn’t have to be as big as planning a threesome or swinging if you’re not comfortable with it. However if that’s your bag then go for it by all means. One easy way to change things up in bed is to try new positions (check out a list at Spices of Lust for example).
#10 Look after your health and practice sport
If you’re exhausted, make sure that you’re looking after yourself. The likelihood is that it isn’t only your sex life suffering. When I’m exhausted I often forget to drink, eat, sleep and relax properly too.
- Make sure you are drinking enough water.
- Make sure you are eating well. Don’t just go for the cakes and take-aways. Eat good, wholesome food and your body will thank you for it.
- Do sport three times a week, for at least 20 minutes a time. It will energise you and make you feel good about yourself. At the very least it will stop you piling on the pounds and getting fat, as well as exhausted.
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